When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
