You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
