Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
