yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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