I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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