Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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