I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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