There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize