im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
