im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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