Your dad touched me again.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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