MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
