i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
