last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
