you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
