How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
