I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
