watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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