I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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