Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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