I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
