im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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