your parents love me but you hate me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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