I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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