remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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