I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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