i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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