The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
