I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
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