we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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