I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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