I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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