I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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