Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
me + whiskey = a bad person
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize