seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
