i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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