She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
even my farts smell like vagina
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
