my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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