dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
