I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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