Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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