The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
