is your mom at the bar?
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
