Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
