Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
