Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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