he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I FOUND THE LEGS
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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