If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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