Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
