Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
