I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
