i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
