I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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