Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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