She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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