no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
