Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
