take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
